Okay. I went to middle school. I remember how hard it was and I know it’s the time when everyone is trying to figure out who they are. And I dealt with girl bullies in middle school too, of course.
But, come on. Being on the other side? Being the parent of a middle school girl?
I don’t know how to handle that.
Nobody prepared us for middle school girl bullying.
They gave us the baby books.
We were warned about tantrums.
They even told us about teenage rebellion.
But this?
The whispering, the exclusion, the emotional whiplash, the “everything’s fine” followed by crying in the shower?
Yeah. This is hard.
So grab your coffee. Or reheat it for the third time. Let’s talk.
First of all: girl bullying is sneaky
The first thing I think about as an “old” millenial mom is the movie Mean Girls. Yea, it came out about the time I was in middle school myself. And to think we have smart phones and social media now to complicate things!
If you found this post, then you can probably identify with some of these problems. Girl bullying in middle school looks like:
- the group chat she’s suddenly not in
- the friend who smiles to her face and trashes her later
- The rumors being whispered in other people’s ears while she stands there watching
- the birthday party everyone else went to
- the “we were just joking” comments that somehow always land on your kid
It’s not like the boys. Boys are physical. They punch each other and then get over it. Girls? It’s sneaky. It’s calculated. And it makes moms feel a little crazy because there’s no obvious smoking gun.
If you’ve ever thought:
“Am I overreacting… or is something actually wrong?”
Congratulations. You’re officially a middle school mom.
girl Drama vs girl bullies in middle school (because yes, there is a difference)
Middle school girls will have drama. That’s normal. Annoying, but normal.
But, bullying is different.
Bullying leaves your daughter:
- anxious
- withdrawn
- blaming herself
- suddenly hating school
- thinking there’s something inherently wrong with her or her body
- or, maybe even a desire to retaliate or get even with these mean girls
Drama blows over.
Bullying lingers.
Trust your gut. It’s usually right—even when Google tells you to “wait and see.”
Things we say that feel helpful…but aren’t 😬
Let’s lovingly call ourselves out for a second.
Things I have personally said or thought:
- “Just ignore them.”
- “They’re probably jealous.”
- “You just don’t need to be so sensitive.”
- “Middle school is just hard.”
Listen. We mean well. Truly.
But to a middle school girl, this often translates to:
“I’m alone in this.”
Oof. Not what we’re going for.
What actually helps (aka: the stuff that doesn’t blow up later)
1. Sit with her before you solve it
I know. You want to fix it immediately. Same.
But first? Sit. Listen. Nod aggressively. Make the appropriate “wow, that’s awful” face.
Sometimes the most powerful thing we can say is:
“That makes sense. I’d be hurt too.”
No solutions yet. Just validation, because we all need to be seen and understood.
Her feelings are very real and valid for her. And what we may think of as just a hard middle school season, is well…her whole life right now.
Sadly, peers are becoming the voices she listens to, while our influence as her parent is beginning to fade.
I could tell her she looks beautiful all day, but until another twelve year old tells her that, she won’t believe it.
2. Give her words to use (because panic steals vocabulary)
When emotions run high, kids forget how to talk. Heck, I forget my words when I’m emotional. So we practice when things are calm.
Simple phrases:
- “What you’re doing isn’t funny.”
- “That’s not okay.”
- “I’m not doing this.”
- “I’m walking away now.”
Not instigative or aggressive. Just firm boundaries.
The less she engages, the more bored her bullies will get of her because they are looking for a reaction. Simply refuse to play their game.
3. Stop aiming for popularity — aim for one safe person
Your daughter does not need a squad.
She needs:
- one friend she can trust
- one table she belongs at
- one place she can exhale
Sometimes that person isn’t even at school—and that’s okay. Thank God for youth group and extracurriculars.
Quality > quantity. Always.
4. Loop in adults without making her feel exposed
This is the tightrope, isn’t it?
We want help without making it worse.
Document patterns.
Email instead of storming the office.
Use phrases like:
“I’m noticing a pattern and I’m concerned.”
You’re not being dramatic. You’re being a parent. Never feel like your concerns aren’t valid and your questions aren’t justified. She is YOUR daughter and you are HER advocate.
5. Make home the place she remembers who she is
School may be brutal, but home should be her safe place.
At home:
- speak truth louder than the noise
- remind her of who she is outside middle school
- laugh together — yes, even about the ridiculousness of mean girls
Mean girls lose power when identity is rooted somewhere else. Solidify this foundation, now.
When the school does nothing about about those girl bullies in middle school 😒
If you’re getting “kids will be kids” energy and your gut says nope:
You’re allowed to:
- escalate
- ask for written plans
- request mediation
- meet with a school counselor
- go to the board education
- consider a different environment if needed
Protecting your child’s heart is never too much. If school becomes more about tearing down her identity and social issues than learning, there’s a problem.
Even Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs speaks to this truth. Safety and belonging come before learning. If your daughter is more worried about surviving the lunch room than math class, she’s not learning. Brains do not prioritize retaining math facts when they are in survival mode.
A faith note (because I know this matters to many of us)
Jesus may not have given us a manual specifically for handling girl bullies in middle school, but we do know this:
Jesus was kind—but He wasn’t a doormat.
Teach her this:
“You can forgive and still have distance and set boundaries.”
“You can be kind and still walk away.”
“You may be called to love others, but that doesn’t mean you have to like them, be their friend, or be okay with their actions.”
Being like Jesus is not weakness. That’s wisdom.
Before we finish our coffee…
If you’re feeling guilty—like you missed something or didn’t handle it perfectly—please hear this:
Middle school is a moving target.
There is no perfect response.
Showing up matters more than getting it right.
And you? You’re showing up.
We all know our daughters best and every situation and child is different. For us? After six months of sixth grade in a new school and four attempts to get it handled by the teachers and counselors, we decided to withdraw her. Here’s to homeschooling mid-year.
And you know what? She may be bored out of her mind and missing some socialization (we’re working on finding some healthy socialization as soon as all this winter storm mess moves on), but her attitude is already different.
It truly feels like she has finally stopped holding her breath, the tension is melting and she seems so much more relaxed.
I’ll sure take it, and I’m thankful to God for that.
P.S. If you liked this post, you may be interested in reading more here about kids and internet safety. We all know how much more bullying can happen with social media.
Thank you so much for stopping by! Please leave a comment and feel free to look around my page. 🙂
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