Grace or guilt: which one do you lean towards?
Parenthood has been such a wonderful but downright exhausting adventure. There’s nothing like parenting to show you just how close to crazy you can go without falling right over the edge. If you’ve ever locked yourself in the bathroom to hide from your kids for a minute—you know what I mean. But does that stolen moment of alone time make you a bad mom? No, it just makes you human.
Social media gives us all a distorted idea of what real-life parenting looks like. I mean, you never see pictures of moms locked in a bathroom on Instagram. Hashtag hiding from my kids, overstimulated, and I would kill for a soak in the tub without anyone touching or talking to me. No, instead you see pictures of moms smiling with their kids while everyone looks happy. Hashtag I’m so blessed; I have the best family. What you didn’t see was Mom threatening and bribing her five-year-old who was having a meltdown just seconds before so she could have a decent photograph. People only show the best parts of their lives on social media, and I get it. Life is hard enough without living in a world full of ‘Karens” just waiting to judge your every mistake.
So, what do we do? We hide our ugly truths and believe that we are failing at our most important job because our lives don’t compare to someone else’s highlights. But can we just stop and embrace the messiness of motherhood for a minute? Because I believe what moms really need to see and hear is that it’s not normal to have it all together. We get overwhelmed and overstimulated, and that’s normal. We carry what feels like the weight of the world on our shoulders, and that’s a lot! I want us to talk about grace for a minute—grace in the balance of being everyone’s everything. So moms, throw off some of that guilt and breathe—grace has a way of transforming our lives when we learn to embrace it.
1. Your Kids Don’t Need Perfect; They Need Present
A few months ago, my teenagers ganged up on me. Anytime they come at me begging or complaining while banded together I immediately feel attacked. It makes me so crazy!
They started talking to me about how it was unfair that they didn’t have phones and how they were the only kids in their grade without one. At first, I debated back and forth with them about it, but the whole conversation was pointless because they were unaware they already had phones coming for Christmas! In a moment of complete frustration, I ended up blurting that out, though with tears streaming down my face. Immediately, I felt the sting of regret for ruining the surprise of Christmas morning. The worst part was I blurted this out in a way to make them feel guilty. I lost my cool.
They apologized immediately and indeed felt terrible, as I had hoped they would, in that moment of lost control. What started out as an argument, though, ended in a moment of bonding that truly brought us all closer. They got to see reality—Mom blew it, and chances are, I’ll do it again in the near future. I’m learning to humble myself and ask my kids for forgiveness when I mess up. That’s when it hit me: My kids were never expecting me to be perfect; that was just the standard I had set for myself. They really don’t need or even want perfect; they just need present.
2. Parenting with Grace: Forgive Yourself for the Hard Days
Some days, we just lose our temper. Like the time I yelled because one of the kids spilled an entire cup of milk on my freshly mopped floor (and yes, I cried over spilled milk). After I yelled, I thought about how much more important my kid’s feelings were than a freshly mopped floor. They need to know it’s okay to have accidents and make mistakes. I shouldn’t have yelled, and I felt terrible. Other days, I mess up big with my teens, like snapping at my daughter because I misunderstood her tone. How many times do we let our built-up frustrations come out in our interactions with our family? It’s in those moments I’m learning to pause and take a deep breath. I have to remind myself that God’s grace is enough for me, too.
I’m beginning to realize that it’s healthy and necessary for me to release those feelings of guilt when I mess up. How can I teach my kids about the grace of God if I can’t even accept that grace for myself? Not all is lost in our mistakes; that’s where the opportunities lie for your kids to see humility and grace being modeled firsthand. It teaches them that it’s okay to mess up, and it’s also okay to forgive yourself when you do. Humans tend to learn best from the mistakes we make, so give yourself and your kids permission to do so! It’s always a relief for me when I read my Bible and realize that every chapter is filled with some pretty messed-up people that God forgave and still used for big things!
3. Building Your Parenting Village: Why You Can’t Do It Alone
Sometimes, I’ll get this wild hair up my butt and decide to try to be supermom. I’ll get up really early and do my quiet time and workout, spend the whole day deep cleaning and rearranging everything, and then meal prep and cook every meal from scratch. I’ll decide that making all new chore charts and dinner menus will solve all our problems, and I’ll take on a new DIY project. By Friday, I’m in way over my head, completely exhausted, and done with the idea of being supermom.
That’s when my best friend swoops in, tells me how stupid that idea was to begin with, and buys my family Zaxby’s for dinner so I don’t have to cook. She even tutors my kid in Algebra while I get to hold her adorable baby. Talk about a great trade–and an even better friend! Truthfully, I have to learn lessons the hard way sometimes (and sometimes I repeat them over and over before I learn). The position of supermom is a fictional job for a reason, and I need good friends to help remind me of that!
4. Teaching Emotional Transparency: When Moms Need Timeouts Too
Sometimes, the best lesson we can teach our children is that it’s okay to have hard days. I remember telling my kids when they were smaller, “Mommy needs a timeout because I’m feeling frustrated.” Their wide eyes quickly turned into understanding nods. By being honest about my emotions, I showed them that even grown-ups have big feelings and that taking a break is healthy. They also learned how to recognize and voice their own feelings and needs too.
With my teenagers, transparency looks a little different. I’ve said, “I had a hard day today, and I’m feeling overwhelmed. I just need some peace and quiet for a few hours! We will be having cereal for dinner tonight because Mama needs a break.” Most of the time, they get it, and they are perfectly fine with a cereal night. It amazes me how they’ve been able to recognize and then voice their own needs when they’re having tough days.
I used to feel like I couldn’t show any signs of weakness with my kids, or they would sniff it out and use it to break me. Now, I realize that just gives them an unrealistic picture of what life as an adult looks like. They need to know that it’s okay to not be okay some days. Everyone has moments of weakness. Mental health breaks are a real thing. Self-care isn’t selfish; it’s necessary—and that leads into my next topic.
5. The Power of Self-Care: How to Refill Your Cup
As moms, we give so much to our families that it’s easy to forget to pour back into ourselves. I realized this one day when I couldn’t think of a single thing I do just for me that brings me joy. Hobbies? Who has time for those! Whether it’s reading a book, taking a walk, or enjoying a cup of coffee in peace, carving out time for yourself is important. Make investing in you non-negotiable. You can’t pour from an empty cup. People try to argue that you can, but it’s the quality of what you have to give that will suffer.
For me, it’s sometimes as simple as locking the bathroom door and listening to worship music for 10 minutes. Other times, it’s calling a friend to catch up and take turns encouraging each other to keep going. Self-care doesn’t have to be a vacation in the Bahamas (though I wouldn’t turn one down); it just has to remind you that you’re more than a maid, chef, and referee! If you need some more self-care ideas, check out this post from What to Expect.
At The End Of The Day
Parenting isn’t about having it all together—it’s about showing up, flaws and all. So, the next time you’re crying in the bathroom, remember this: you’re not alone, you are loved, and you don’t have a Savior who is unable to empathize with your weaknesses. Perfection was never expected; it’s just an impossible standard that we set for ourselves, and it’s usually based on the comparison of only the best highlights from others. Motherhood is hard, but you’re doing holy work. And that makes you pretty amazing.
My passion is connecting with other like-minded moms. Please, share with me something you have learned from your parenting mistakes, or maybe you have a funny one to share! Comment below and follow me here if you would like to get to know more about the author!
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